funny quotes to say

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me. ~Mark Twain



Be careful to leave your sons well instructed rather than rich, for the hopes of the instructed are better than the wealth of the ignorant. ~Epictetus



Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece. ~Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons



...trout that doesn't think two jumps and several runs ahead of the average fisherman is mighty apt to get fried. ~Beatrice Cook, Till Fish Do Us Part, 1949



Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? ~Maurice Freehill



Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H, "Love Story," original air date 7 January 1973, spoken by the character Hawkeye



I guess cows aren't into the four food groups, especially when they are two of them. ~Anthony Clark



I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. ~Author Unknown



I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell. ~Alec Yuill Thornton



"I have no more than twenty acres of ground," he replied, "the whole of which I cultivate myself with the help of my children; and our labor keeps off from us the three great evils - boredom, vice, and want." ~Voltaire



Evolutionary biology is now uttering and seeking those forces that link us with all those that have being. If we can discover the meaning in the trilling of a frog, perhaps we may understand why it is for us not merely noise but a song of poetry and emotion. ~Adrian Forsyth, A Natural History of Sex, 1986



If history were a photograph of the past it would be flat and uninspiring. Happily, it is a painting; and, like all works of art, it fails of the highest truth unless imagination and ideas are mixed with the paints. ~Allen Nevins



No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys. ~Doug Horton



There's something beautifully soothing about a fact - even (or perhaps especially) if we're not sure what it means. ~Daniel J. Boorstin



The ideal home: big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966



A sodomite got very excited looking at a zoology text. Does this make it pornography? ~Stanislaw J. Lec



To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent. ~Robert Copeland



Superstition is to religion what astrology is to astronomy: the mad daughter of a wise mother. ~Voltaire



Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty. ~James Thurber, Time, 15 August 1960



Washington's is the mightiest name of earth - long since mightiest in the cause of civil liberty; still mightiest in moral reformation. On that name no eulogy is expected. It cannot be. To add brightness to the sun, or glory to the name of Washington, is alike impossible. Let none attempt it. In solemn awe pronounce the name, and in its naked deathless splendor leave it shining on. ~Abraham Lincoln